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Unsuccessfully Dating as a Christian Man in My Forties


Welcome back to my humble little procrastination blog. I wish I could say that I wrote in my blog when I wasn't procrastinating on my novel, but that would be a lie. I should be working on chapter twenty one or at the gym, but instead I'm here once again trying to entertain or inform you my loyal fans. So, with that in mind, let me regale you with my very sad attempt at dating. Or, if you ask my work mates, non existent attempt.


So that brings me to my first point. I don't try. I know sad right? How can I find the woman who God has for me if I don't try. Well, I guess I have had the same ridiculous misconception most of us Christian have that grew up in the 80's and 90's have, God will simply drop that person in my lap if I trust him. Wait a minute, that's how it worked for Ruth, so why shouldn't I expect the same for me.


Ok, so lets unpack that statement. For one, it ONLY happened to Ruth and no one else. Plus, Ruth was a woman and not a man. Kinsmen redeemers are pretty much just a woman thing and not a promise men can claim. We can, however, claim the responsibility of marrying our dead brothers wife. I don't know about you, but I don't want either of brothers to die and I'm pretty sure neither of their wives would want to marry me if they did. I love them both, but even if I was so inclined, I'm sure they would pass. There was a reason they chose my brothers and not me.


But, the Ruth story gives a false impression of reality. A rich handsome unmarried Christian man that is going to show up and rescue you. Seems a bit Disney to me, and we all know Disney isn't even kind of real life. Now, I'm not saying that it can't happen, just that your chances of it happening are like one in a billion. You might just miss out on a lot of good potential mates while you wait for the Christian Brad Pitt to show up and watch you pick veggies.


So, I don't have anyone to redeem and God has yet to drop the perfect girl into my lap as I binge watch the newest Disney Plus Marvel show. I go to a small church where every single girl is either a family member, young enough to be my kid or over sixty. I'm not a pervert so all but one of those options is off the table. So, now what do I do. I could always be that creepy older guy that visits different churches looking for a wife. It could work if I looked like Brad Pitt, was a well known minister, or just a whole lot more successful and charismatic than I am. But, it's still pretty creepy and only desperate girls fall for it.


I have asked my brother in laws, who are both from Spanish countries, to introduce me to woman from their home countries. One pretty much refused. (Thanks a lot Izzy.) The other, said he would go with me to Columbia, but he has three little boys and a girl on the way, so realistically that won't happen for a while. I know he would if he could, but it just isn't very realistic right now. None of my married friends know any singe girls, so other than work, my only options are the random women you meet as you peruse through Walmart at 3 in the morning in your sweats.


So, how about work. Well, all married or crazy. Not interested in being the guy who breaks up a marriage, plus it's a sin. The other's, again are young enough to be my kids or just not someone that would be a good fit. Sure if I wanted to go out to parties and get drunk or high, I'm sure I could have some meaningless fun, but we all know how I feel about that. So, that's out. Now what?


Online dating the salvation of every single person who can't find a date. Why hadn't I thought of that before? I mean, if I'm having trouble meeting someone in my normal life, why not go into the virtual world. What could go wrong there? We all know plenty of people who met their significant others online right. I know of two off hand, both of which are happily married. Of course, I know about a hundred more who haven't, but come on, you won't know till you try right?


Ok, so I signed up for a few different Christian and non Christian dating sites. I will admit, I have yet to pull the trigger on the pay sites and have heard that the non pay sites have a smaller record of success. I will attest to that statement. I have found no success. In fact, I am pretty sure most of the people I have talked to have been guys from Asia pretending to be women. Sadly my heart was broken by Shang in China. I mean Anna.


Ok, so the dating profile. Well, I really don't know what to write and my bio sounds like it was written by a two year old. Since I am overweight I have very few pictures of myself, so the pics I put up are cell phone selfies taken from above so you can't see my double chin. After that, I will give up and put pics of me cosplaying with my kids and friends. I know right, obvious chick bate. Especially those over forty like me. I mean, what woman wouldn't want to date a jedi? If I am really being pathetic, I will break down and put up pics of when I was actually in shape. (I know, I know that's cheating, but I do plan on looking like that again someday. So, lets call it wishful thinking.)


So, now that my pathetic profile is up, on to the swiping. Let's see, every girl's profile pretty much says the same thing. Looking for confident, successful man who knows what he wants out of life. Must be healthy and go to the gym often. Preferably someone who is in ministry, but at least never misses a church service and goes to conferences and worship concerts in their free time. Reads, but only teaching books, likes the outdoors, has a great sense of humor and will except me for who I am faults in all. So...the guy has to be perfect, but your not. (You would think I am joking, but they really are like this.)


Ok, so, I then stop reading the profiles, because if I go by that I don't have a chance. No one does actually. Well, maybe Boaz, but he's been dead for three thousand years. So I find one I like and send them a message. "Hi, my name is Jay." Maybe one in ten will send a message back. Usually hi with their name. We text back and forth for a day or two, then blip like Thano's snap, they are gone. I will say, I did talk to one woman in Indonesia that I really really liked, and she liked me, but at the time in our lives, neither of us could move to the others country. Yes, God can overcome everything, but it didn't work out. I still kind of regret that, but what can you do.


The ones that do seem to go somewhere invariably lead to asking for money or wanting to show you how to invest in cryptocurrency. Recently I have had two women literally yell at me through text because I am not responding to them fast enough. They were both Chinese, so maybe that is a cultural thing, but I hadn't even video chatted with them yet, so why are they freaking out? I blocked them both, because it just didn't seem real to me. Maybe it was, but after two days of texting and never seeing each other face to face how are we even actually dating. We aren't we are talking. I'm pretty sure this is a catfish tactic to keep desperate people on the hook when they seem to be pulling away. Maybe not, but I am not interested in pledging my life after two days of texting.


So, I have been on three actual dates in the last seventeen years. One with a great girl I went to college with. She came and saw me in Florida, but I just had a check in my spirit when hanging with her. She was great and eventually married another divorced friend from college. They both seem happy and I am happy for them. The other, was a girl I knew from youth group. She was smoking hot and I mean smoking hot. She was great, but lived in PA and I lived in Florida at the time. She had 6 kinds and I had two young kids. It just didn't work out because it was long distance and she eventually married an older Spanish man.


Other than that, I have had a few women who have liked me over the years, but I never felt the same for them. Those I did fancy, never felt the same for me. There was one woman I adored, she was a good friends sister. She was beautiful, loved God, loved super heroes, loved Baseball and like me. My friend asked me not to date her for a year, so she could heal and so I did. Within that year she left the church and married some guy from her new church. I kind of regret not making a move, but I trust my friend and in the end it was for the best.


So that's my dating history. The truth is, I really haven't tried. I don't know if I am just scared, forgotten how, or simply been alone for so long that I have acclimated to it. Those two Chinese women who were angry with my response time were probably right. I am pretty well set in my ways and don't think about having long detailed conversations about my dreams and desires with someone else. Sure, I will write it down and put it up here for you all to read, but letting someone in in real life, I don't seem to remember how to do that.


Or, maybe I am simply just scared. I guess being hurt and rejected will do that to a person. They say time heals all wounds, but the PTSD takes longer I think. Sure, I am healed and I have forgiven, but I still tend to shy away when a woman starts to get close. It's hard for me not to be afraid that they will reject me once they get to know me. I know you are thinking, "What? You are just to awesome for anyone to not like." And, you would be right, but deep down I sometimes wrestle with that. Yes, I like myself. Well I could lose weight and be more disciplined, but overall, I like my self. The problem is, I worry that they won't and if I let them in it will reopen those ancient wounds.


So, now you know how to fail at dating in your forties. I am not giving up, but I am not running full speed ahead either. This whole process has shown me areas where I still need God to bring healing and to change my own internal view of myself. Afterall, all success is born on the backs of failure. Its the not trying that will always bring no result. You don't win if you don't try. So, with that being said, I guess it's time that I start really trying. eHarmony here I come...well at least, when I am ready to spend $550 dollars annually. Woo Hoo...


J








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