Welcome back heroes. Well today I thought I would drop a few thoughts I've had on dating as a Christian man in my late forties. I want to clarify, whereas this will have some really good thoughts, it is meant to be entertainment. I will probably get very self depreciating, but it will be for entertainment purposes and not because I am depressed or in a mood to complain. The truth is, I am quite happy with my life and I am single because I'm not currently trying. So with that said, lets jump right into this post where I comprise a few thoughts on dating as a Christian man in my late forties.
You Have to Stop Chasing Secular People
Well this is a hard thing for single Christians my age. Why is that you may ask? Well I will tell you. If you are a successful, strong, consistent and a truly spiritual Christian person of my age range, than there is a 99.9% chance that you are married. If you are not, than single people like me have a very limited window to move before you are swept up by someone else. Now, I know a lot of you are probably reading this and your face is red and steam is coming out of your ears. How dare I insinuate that you are not all of these things because you are single? Well, the truth is hard to accept sometimes. Trust me, I've had to come face to face with that same truth myself.
Single Christian's tend to have very high standards for what they are looking for. Especially older ones. This is more predominant in older women. Younger ones tend to want a guy their own age. Unless, of course, that man is a pastor or spiritual leader who is divorced or widowed, than they will chase the older man. All the better if they are physically attractive. This is counter to how the world thinks and why it is easier for older single Christians to find a significant other outside the church. What? This isn't true. Yes it is.
Another reason is that we tend to be faithful to our church and this gives us a limited dating pool to choose from. In my current church pretty much every single women is either related to me, young enough to be my kid, or old enough to by my much older sister. There was one women when I first moved back, but she was crazy and ended up having a string of different relationships. Well, at least if you go by her Facebook that is. I'm sure she is a great person and I wish her well, but she wasn't for me, and given the fact she never asked me out, I wasn't for her.
So, where do we come into contact with all of the single people? At work, at Walmart, at the movies, when we are hiking, pretty much everywhere else but church. And, don't give me the whole, "visit another church" speech. All the women there know you are only there to pick them up and, unless you meet a certain criteria, wont give you the time of day anyway. Men, on the other hand, are different story. They don't care that your just visiting.
So, how do we stop chasing secular people? Well, to be blunt, I have no stinking idea. You can try online dating, but have you ever read any of those profiles? I mean come on! Only about 1 percent of men can live up to them, and, most women can't live up to the standards of being judged by their profile pictures. Most of us look better in person and the camera really does add 30 pounds. This is why filters exist. It really is. Just like spell check exists because most of us can't spell, me included.
It is hard not to look to the secular world, but we really need to. You can't live in both worlds and having a significant other who doesn't share your faith, won't work. One of you will always have to compromise. Either they will give up the moral things you know are sins, or you will have to compromise your spiritual walk. So, if a secular partner, singlehood, or compromising are your only options, then Jesus is going to have to be enough.
-Before we move on I have a story to tell you. I met a women online at a Christian dating site and we started texting. It was easy and we had each other laughing for days. When I asked her for her Facebook profile she balked. The reason, that she didn't want to see my pictures because she was pretty certain she wasn't going to find me attractive. So....what were we doing than? My FB pics were the same I used for the site, so what could go wrong? I found her on Facebook and we became friends. The very next day, she ghosted me. I do think she was trying to convince herself that if we talked for a long time she would grow to find me attractive. She was lying to herself and what she really wanted was attention while she looked for someone better. It is stuff like this that turns me off for online dating. I was also, about 100 lbs. lighter back than, so it wasn't cause I was fat.
You may Have to lower Your Standards
Well, who do I think I am to tell you to lower your standards? I may have to lower mine, but you certainly don't. No, you probably do. I know I do. And if you saw the people I swept right on, you would agree. I have recently tried swiping on more normal looking people, but still haven't had any success. All the women who contact me are really hot Asian or foreign women who instantly want to move to WhatsApp. I do, and then after a day or two they want to teach me how to invest in Bitcoin or something similar. When you say no, they berate you and try to guilt you into spending your money on the sites they suggest. If I hadn't been dumb enough to swipe right on women who are obviously not going to be interested in me, than this cycle wouldn't continue to happen.
So, if you don't want to be single, you are going to have to lower your standards. I think this is actually easier for men. All we ask is that we find you sexually attractive, and that is a pretty low bar for most of us. Yeah, yeah we should see you for the strong independent women you are, but, like it or not, we don't. Those are the things you are looking for in us, but "these are not the droids we are looking for". Nope. we just want to find you attractive and like hanging out with you. For Christians, add being a woman of God and that's pretty much it. We don't care that you are successful, can take care of yourself, are independent, have your own house ect. We don't even expect you to be emotionally mature. In fact, we are going to think you are overly emotional and crazy no matter how emotionally mature you are. Am I right guys?
I can appreciate that women are hardwired to be attracted to certain things. Confidence being one of the biggest and this can be hard for men at times. All women seem to think that men don't wrestle with insecurity. We do. Pretty much all of us. The truth is that the men you think are so secure, are really just good at hiding it from you. This is why it is so shocking when the strong confident man you married all of a sudden isn't. He never really was. he just didn't show that to you.
No he talked about it with his buddies, work mates and church leaders. Sorry to burst that bubble for you. You want us to open up and show you our emotional weaknesses, but when we do, you get anxious and then lose attraction to us. It is hard wired into your DNA and we understand that, but you may have to compromise on this if you want to find a guy. You may have to accept a guy who actually shows some weaknesses but is still a good family leader.
Also, you may have to accept a man who has some debt. If he is my age and is single, than he has most likely been divorced and paid child support. Just so you know, men have to make a lot of money to maintain a life and pay for the family they lost. If they were a good dad, as I was, than they will most likely have debt from having to support two households. So, this whole, must be debt free, is almost assuredly going to be a point you will have to compromise on. Maybe not, but guys who are, will most likely already be taken. Now, I am not talking about financially irresponsible men, but rather men who have debt even though they did the best they could.
Men, don't think you are off the hook. If she is divorced than she will likely have kids, and the younger women will almost certainly have them living with them. So, you are probably going to have to compromise on this, and that will mean being a step dad. I'm going to be honest with you, this is pretty much a done deal. If not, she is most likely someone who never got married and was never in a relationship, and that brings with it a whole slew of different problems. Those women are a lot of timers harder to deal with than ones who have been in a relationship before, unless they are young. But, the young ones are going to want kids, so you had better be ready for that. If you don't want more kids, then it is best you stay away from the younger women.
You may also have to be willing to not let physical attraction be the main issue you are looking for. If you can fall in love with a woman for who she is, rather than what she looks like, you will be happier. Isn't there a song that says, "if you want to live a happy life, don't marry a pretty wife?" Very true words. Most of the happiest men I know are married to woman who are not traditionally attractive. (Calm down, I am not calling my friends wives ugly. Geesh.) That's not to say that I don't know some great men who are married to really attractive women, but honestly, they are very attractive and successful themselves. They are, to be blunt, in the top one percent.
You May Actually Have to Change
What? You mean I am not good enough as I am? Yeah, you aren't. If you are like me, then you have probably let yourself go a bit, developed some bad habits, and spent a majority of your free time on pointless recreational things. This could be Netflix and chill with too many snacks, video games, cosplay and pretty much anything else that takes a majority of your time, energy and extra money. For me it is Anime, Star Wars, fiction books and Comics. Now, I am a fiction writer, so I can make the case that all of those things help me in my story telling. They do, but most of the time they don't lead to writing but too much relaxing.
I mentioned at the end of the last point that we are not the one percenters. We could be more like those men, however, if we started spending a majority of our free time investing in things that will actually make us better. Going to the gym instead of playing video games is a good example. I have been trying to spend my free time going to the gym and writing, but I do understand that we need recreation time as well, it's just about the balance. Balance, Danielson, is the key to life and success.
Also, most of my guy friends who are married to hot women and who are very financially secure have hobbies that are more traditionally for active people. Such things as, playing sports, watching sports or hunting and camping outdoors. They don't watch Netflix and chill often, read fiction, dress like a teenager or play video games. Now, I'm not saying you should stop liking what you like, but you may want to reevaluate some of them. In truth, such things as cosplay, wearing nothing but pop culture t-shirts, etc. are also probably some things you may want to sacrifice if you are trying to attract a women.
The ugly truth is, that those cosplay pop culture girls are either too young for you or dating men who are very attractive and successful outside of their hobbies. They are not going for the over weight older man who lives with his parents who is a really great guy and likes the same things they do. This is a lie they use to sell you their photos and to get you to send them money to make content so they don't have to get real jobs. They actually know this and bet on you buying into the lie that you can someday get them. The truth is, most of them are married but make it seem like they aren't in order to get your money. So, guys absolutely give that up and stop training your mind to be attracted to the absolutely wrong types of women. These women would be very very bad for you if you got them.
I want to hit on this last point a bit longer. Men, if you are like me, then you are a guy who loves and identifies with his pop culture hobbies. You have Star Wars posters on your walls, you own a lightsaber and you have most likely cosplayed. These things are great and there is nothing wrong with them, but they attract a certain type of women and most of them are young. I have met some older beautiful women who like these things, but they are far and few between and are most likely taken. Let me tell you a story.
This Halloween I dressed up in my Jedi costume, brandished one of my three light sabers and handed out candy. The kids loved it and I actually thought all of the single moms would be instantly attracted to me for being such a creative nice fun dad type. There were some, and they did smile and praise me for being so cool and for making their kids happy, but, they walked away with men who were the exact opposite of me. It was an eye opener for me. Women expect you to want them for being good moms, but they really don't care if you are a good dad unless you meet all of the other criteria. Being a good fun dad is just a bonus they hope they get with the other stuff.
Women, I am going to be honest with you, there really isn't much you can change other than working out, dressing better and being nicer. Becoming financially independent and being a boss woman doesn't impress us. For Christians, being a woman of God will impress us, but we still have a tendency to go for the women who are also physically attractive. Being a good mom can, but truth be told, working on becoming the best looking, nicest woman that is possible for your genetics is really the only thing you have control over that will attract us. If you don't believe me, then just look at all of the "boss women" out there. I bet you will find that most of them are single or are constantly in shallow unfulfilling relationships with men who only use them for sex. I actually love checking out all of their profiles on the dating sites. I mean, if you are SOOO special and worth SOOO much, why are you still on dating sites looking for a man. Shouldn't they be falling over themselves to get to you? Nope, they are swiping left just like us average guys. That's even if they are on those sites. Food for thought.
So, this whole article is a bit of a rant. No, not all men and all women can be Pidgeon holed into all these categories. There are plenty of men and women out there who defy these stereotypes and you will most likely find them in the church. For women, there are plenty of men who will fall for you for who you are and not what you look like. And men, there are plenty of good women out there that will love and respect you and stand with you as a help mate and who are not only concerned with what you bring to the table. I do know a lot of them, but sadly, they are all married. (LOL, still ranting.)